Captian Caveman

Actor Michael Van Osch contemplates the history of relationships in “Defending the Caveman” at the Ohio Theatre.
Picture a bunch of hairy, smelly cavemen out hunting for their dinner. Hear anything? No, they wouldn’t want to scare away dinner. And that’s why your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want to talk about his “feelings.”

Cavewomen, on the other hand, used to gather, and if they weren’t talking, you had to assume your gal pal was eaten by a lion. And so modern women talk and talk and talk and talk and, well, you get the picture.

That’s the pitch actor Michael Van Osch makes in his one-man play “Defending the Caveman,” which appears at the Ohio Theatre Feb. 9 and 10.

We caught up with Van Osch to ask him a little bit about his own relationships.
What’s the worst relationship advice you’ve ever gotten?
Have you ever heard a man giving his friend advice on the phone? It goes, “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh. Well, um, dump her. I don’t know.”

What does your girlfriend think of the show?
She loves it. She likes to see me up there doing it, but she’s learned things, too. For instance, just because a man is not picking up after himself as much as a woman would, it doesn’t mean he’s doing it to get under her skin. The women’s culture is about cooperation, but the men’s culture is about negotiation.

Sure. If we’re sitting around, as men, we’ll say, “The chips are gone.” It comes down to negotiation. “I bought them, so I’m not going to get them.” “You finished them, so I’m not going to get them.” If women are sitting around watching TV, who gets more chips? They all go.

What’s the last fight you and your girlfriend had?
It’s really about little things like me asking her if she’s checked the oil in her car lately. Men have this innate ability to keep the car running, making sure the tires are up. Women just don’t see the value in that. They’re busy doing a thousand other things.

Do you ever want to club your girlfriend over the head and drag her back to your place?
That actually is not what used to happen. Cavemen worshipped cavewomen and looked at them as goddesses. The No. 1 image we have of the caveman is wrong.

So you treat your girlfriend as a goddess?
Umm, sure. Yes. I mean, definitely yes. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
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