Cleveland Death Society Creates Community in "Death Positivity"

“Death isn't just being ill and dying. Death, it's in our fashion, it's in our music, it's in our movies. I mean, look around my house,” says Brandi Wiles, gesturing to her living room walls.

In the corner of her living room, string lights flicker on a realistic spine anatomy model. Black-and-white occult artwork and spooky symbols fill the wall above her couch, where Wiles sits comfortably. One of her two black cats struts into the room.

“But death is beautiful, and it can be healing, and it can be eye-opening,” she continues. “It's just so hard for us to flip our minds to think that way, because we're always taught that if you talk about death, you're going to bring it, or if you talk about grief, you're going to get your sads all over someone.”

Wiles aims to change that, as the founder of Cleveland Death Society and in her work as a death doula and grieving and bereavement counselor. These days, she has centered her life around life’s inevitable end.

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Cleveland Death Society isn’t your average support group. The organization meets every month at B-Side in Cleveland Heights’ Coventry neighborhood for its “Drinks Over Death” event, a new series sprouting from its original “Death Cafe” roots. (Cleveland’s Death Cafe series was first hosted by Wiles’ friend Shawn Mishak, an occasional Cleveland Magazine contributor, four years ago, and after attending an early event, Wiles was inspired to step in as its next host.)

Death Cafes exist globally, with nearly 22,000 events taking place in more than 90 countries since 2011, according to the organization’s website. The concept, loosely organized by a team of volunteers, was inspired by Swiss sociologist Bernard Crettaz, who started “Cafe Mortels” death discussion meetups in 2004.

A Death Cafe event is simple and straightforward: Attendees can expect to have coffee, cake and open-ended conversations around dying. 

Like Death Cafes, there’s plenty of talk about death at Cleveland Death Society’s “Drinks Over Death.” But the Cleveland events also include guest speakers, vendors, themes and topics. Discussions range from pet grief, to burial laws in Ohio, embalming and more — without veering too intensely into religious or political topics. Wiles has brought in guest speakers and vendors, including witches, comedians and artists. In the spring, members of Cleveland Death Society will go on a tour of green burial grounds in Ohio.

Often, the events draw in those who seek a space to navigate their own grief journeys.

“We’re not a support group, but we’re supportive of each other’s grief,” Wiles says. “We are not a self-help group, but we help you help yourself. We’re just educating each other that we're grieving.”

Wiles has seen connections being built in real-time in the series. She recalls two women connecting at one of her Cleveland Death Society events, sharing the stories of their unexpected, sudden losses of their respective adult children.

“I knew that we would be able to help each other,” Wiles says, “but to see people cry and hold each other, openly speak in the microphone about their loss, their grief, near-death experiences, in front of a whole group of people — just putting their vulnerability and emotions and grief out there in a safe space where they wouldn't be judged, they wouldn't be ridiculed, they wouldn't be laughed at — it helped me through a lot of my own personal grief, and it turned into something people really needed.”

In Wiles’ home and in her family, death is a common topic of conversation with her 25-year-old daughter and 13-year-old son. Both have been involved in Cleveland Death Society events.

The Cleveland Death Society Facebook group has nearly 1,000 members, who can share their experiences, memorials, obituaries and questions with one another online.

And the organization has grown beyond its monthly "Drinks" series. Wiles has discussed the subjective art of grief with the Artists Archives of the Western Reserve, given talks on queer grief relief at the LGBT Community Center of Greater Cleveland, vended at local market events and even marched in the annual Cleveland Pride parade — her goth crew wearing all-black clothes, amid a sea of rainbow-clad organizations.

In the next few years, Wiles and the team behind Cleveland Death Society aim to raise enough money to find a brick-and-mortar space to host their own events to promote “death positivity” — a term that, Wiles says, means to recognize the value of life in the face of death. A physical home for the organization could open the doors to hosting Cleveland Death Society art shows, spoken word events, death doula meeting spaces and, of course, more “Drinks Over Death” events.

“There’s nothing like that out there. There are funeral homes, wellness centers, but there is not a place that focuses on death positivity and grief as a whole,” Wiles says.

And that doesn't mean an overwhelming amount of sads, Wiles clarifies.

"It’s not all doom and gloom," she says. "We’re actually a happy bunch. We help each other.”