Your heart beats out of your chest as you stare at your phone before making a call. Days before going to an event, you have racing thoughts about every detail. What should you wear? When should you arrive? How should you act? What should you eat?
You’re overcome by a sense of unease at the mere thought of networking events, public speaking or first dates.
This feeling is social anxiety. According to the National Institutes of Health, about 7% of U.S. adults are diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. But beyond the official diagnosis, the condition exists on a continuum and is experienced to some degree by virtually everyone.
The only folks who truly feel no heightened nerves for any social interaction, says Dr. Eileen Anderson of Case Western Reserve University’s School of Medicine, are people with narcissistic, antisocial or other personality disorders. That means that most of us struggle somewhat with putting ourselves out there in new social situations, which can negatively impact our ability to meet new people, make friends and find romantic partners.
Northeast Ohioans with social anxiety have flocked to the “Lay of the Land” social media account, which has amassed about 60,000 followers across TikTok and Instagram. Run by a self-proclaimed “socially anxious millennial,” Lay of the Land posts videos for people with anxiety visiting new places in Greater Cleveland, so they know what to expect before they arrive.
To learn more about how we can manage social anxiety, we spoke with the influencer behind Lay of the Land, Niki Farahmand, and with Anderson, who specializes in psychology and anthropology.
Cleveland Magazine: What steps should people take to overcome social anxiety?
Niki Farahmand: Practice makes better. Like, who would have thought going somewhere, going out multiple times, would make it easier? But unfortunately, it does. Making these videos has lessened my social anxiety significantly. So, I am helping others, but I’m also helping myself. But I would say, do research beforehand. If you have social anxiety, you know what makes you anxious in situations. It’s not a bad thing. It’s not embarrassing or shameful to look up where you’re going beforehand and to know all the details beforehand. Wanting to feel comfortable somewhere, wanting to feel included and calm and not anxious, those are not things to be embarrassed about. Just yesterday, I got a message from someone who said that my content makes them feel more comfortable and confident going on dates. And I get messages every day, but for some reason, that one warmed my heart, because confidence is key, and knowledge is confidence.
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Eileen Anderson: For some people, they will have something like a mantra that they say over and over to themselves to calm them down in a situation where they’re going to be doing something like meeting new people or meeting one new person. It depends from person to person what makes them feel calm, but a common one is, “I am safe. I am safe. I am safe.” Another thing that I know is talked about all the time but can seriously help with that physiologic calming are different kinds of breathing. Take a minute — because wherever you are, you’re breathing anyway — and focus on it.
One trick, whether you need to give yourself a little pep talk or take a deep breath, is go to the bathroom. A lot of people with social anxiety, when they walk into a physical environment, they eyeball, where is the bathroom, right? You can go to the bathroom and have some privacy to either do some breathing to physiologically calm yourself down, or give yourself a pep talk. Another really good strategy is to have a buddy. It could be your best friend, it could be your sister, whoever it is, but a safe person. Having that person with you or just a text away can help.
CM: What are some options for people to explore social situations in a comfortable way?
NF: Cleveland coffee shops are some of my favorite spots in the city. They’re also my favorite coffee shops of any city I’ve lived in. The small business owners throughout Cleveland are not just welcoming and kind; they’re hard workers, and they do a lot to make sure that their businesses are welcoming to everyone: Clevelanders, people visiting Cleveland, all different types of communities. I feel very safe at coffee shops in Cleveland.
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EA: One of the things that’s often recommended is volunteer experiences. You can kind of know what to predict: You have a clear role. But that kind of pro-social activity, knowing that you’re doing something that helps others, it totally stimulates the parts of your brain that can help soothe some of the anxiety that comes up. Some people will go on places like Eventbrite or Groupon, and there are all kinds of “Learn To” classes that people can go to, and then you don’t have to worry about an improvised interaction. I was just looking at a “Learn To Metalsmith” class, or “Introduction To Curling.” It’s a really good way to spend time with people, and you know what your role is.
CM: Any other pieces of advice?
NF: My advice would be to do the hard things. Seek out different places, because Cleveland has so much to offer. My friends joke that I make videos for people with social anxiety, but making those videos gives me social anxiety, which is so funny. But the more I make them, the less social anxiety I get. So, if I, the anxious millennial girlie behind Lay of the Land, can do all these things while also putting a camera in everyone’s face, then maybe you know you can do it, too.
EA: When you’re changing any habit or behavior, it’s really important to notice the little things we did well, and not kick ourselves for where we maybe backpedaled. Progress is not linear. It’s not like every time I go into a social situation, it’s just going to get better and better. It is oftentimes two steps forward, one back, and that’s OK. It’s important to know that as we’re working through any issue. So, giving yourself grace is one of the best things you can do.
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